Dee Dee's party

Bittersweet saviorSo we had a party for dee dee turning 50. And though a good time was had by all it was so bittersweet. Here is this woman less than half of the functioning she was and yet everyone who loves her was there to celebrate her life. BUT do these folks (RJ asside) visit her everyday - or even once per week. No. SO my kids and the man and I are going to rectify that. My kids can bring love and chaos wherever they go. Done deal.

The scarf

Unspun wool top - yummy soft

dee dee's scarfWhat do you get someone who you didn't know super well who then gets in a horrible accident and now is functioning at about 40% of what they were? That's the conundrum I was faced with and being a knitter who has WAYYY too mch stash - but very little time - you knit them a scarf. Dee Dee was always a bit of an enigma to me. She and RJ were married the same year the man and I did and then they divorced - but stayed friends - which is when I came into the picture. Then last year she was in a horrible motorcycle accident and nearly died. But being the fighter that she is - she prevailed and I believe that she will walk again (But that's just me). RJ tells me that one of the side effects of the brain injury is that she's always cold - hence the scarf. It's knit in moss stitch on huge needles in unspun super soft wool top that I just spun ever so lightly. I knit it as a key hole so that she wouldn't have to mess with it. It's so soft. I hope she likes it. I got it done so fast I have time to do more if I want to. It's blocking as we speak - pix to follow. I swear.

"You can't have a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." Frank Zappa

Can I get an amen? - Thanks.

Birthday pictures

Pictures

my fish is bored

and other dumb stuffso I have to have the poor beta next to the mac because it's so freakin cold in here I am afraid the little sucker will croak - so he looks so bored. Just swimmin in his 3 liter jug of former wine turned to water. I wonder if he - like me thinks about his choices and is just waiting for something good to happen. So, I am now working and while I don't exactly hate it (I actually kind of like it) it's so not the "me" I was looking for. I know that I am there for a reason and whether that is just to do the job for a while and earn some money to bless my family for a while - I can't say. I am just in a holding pattern right now. Hovering above the runway waiting to do something but unable to. I am not terribly frustrated - just unsure. This week is national prayer and fasting week. Good. This country needs a lotta prayer and fasting. I NEED A LOT OF PRAYER AND FASTING! I feel like the treadmill has been turned on and I had better start running or else. It kind of sucks. Sorry for all of the analogies but that's me today - analogy girl. I hate fasting. I am an American after all. Deny me? Oh my God! Deny me something? On purpose!?! Ugh - Put me out of my comfort zone? Okay - you get it. But I hate it and need it all the same. I always said that if you wanted your vacation to really last a long time you should fast during it. Three days will seem like about 60 1/2! This week I have to finish a bunch of sewing and work Monday - Wed. The 2 in school have Thurs and Friday off - Teacher in service or something. My baby is gone for 10 DAYS UP NORTH and I am not happy about it. She is visiting her aunt and uncle Babcock with Grandpa and Grandma Sullivan and I miss her terribly! She is my little peanut and I feel so "off" without her. I feel like I am missing something and can't wait to have her back to me. That is so good though. I feel this. I feel lost. I feel. I was afraid that I'd lost my ability to feel and I guess it's not gone. SO that's a good thing - Pain is a feeling.

Anyway, the knitting is slow - but I now have a mission - two actually. Kristen asked me to do another shrug for her this time in brown. Dad turns 60 and I have to do his slippers before I die.

Apparently I need to become a metal worker because I can't find the jewelry I need to have in my face. My eyebrow has rejected the ring that was in it. Ironic huh ? That ring was in for like 4 years - happily and suddenly it doesn't work - it turns black! So I am on this quest - have been for a while and since I had this subtle little ring in a giant piercer ring won't work (tried to jam it through and bled like crazy). The man thinks a barbell would work - I am doubtful. I know what I want but as per standard can't find exactly the best fit but it's in my head so I am best making it myself. I am going to order some sterling silver and make it myself darn it. I will learn as I go as ususal.

I am going to post some pix from my birthday. Rick showed up SURPRISE and blessed me with his camera. His brother is still MIA which makes me sadder for everyone who has lost him than I can say. His brother was one of the most amazing souls I have ever met and I know Rick misses him. . .

I have my apt. with Kate Nov 4 at 9:30. Don't know why I am scared. Perfect love casts out all fear. I wish that could sink in. The man said that I am going to leave in 6 months. Can't help but think he knows something I know on some deeper level and can't face. Or maybe that's me being all drama. I do that after all. Ask anyone who's loved me. All none of them :D.

Life after God

Douglas CouplandSo it all started with this little book I bought the man last Christmas. (don't start me on Christmas and the man - it ain't pretty) but anyway - I bought Rough Guides to Cult Fiction thinking it would actually be something that 1) I didn't make him and b) That would be cool and get used (yep on purpose). So anyway - absolute freakin best "john book" ever. Read Life after God. AWESOME! I am lonlier than ever inside my cave here but that's to be expected at least the place is clean. Tidy bowl clean. Do I get to create the next husband like I picked this one? Don't think so. I think you make your choices when you least expect them and then "too bad - so sad" you're set. I would pick very different. Not necessarily a different person just a different me. I would be much stronger - much more who I want to see in the mirror - maybe even the me he sees that I would really like to see but can't really quite make out. And now things are so broken - so sad really if it weren't for the peanuts - man I don't think I'd even think it could happen. Still I am so fucking lonely. Nobody gets me. And the one person who got me doesn't like me. Or if they get me they want to change me. The man is so sad,jaded and disenfanchised that I don't know if there's anyway out of the cigarette-pain cloud he's got around him. If he would just write that damn book I know things would get better/worse. I don't want that pathetic sad marriage his parents have or that my parents have for that matter. But I am beginning to think that's all anyone has. I really thought we were different. Until I lost myself. And lost him too for that matter. I really don't think there's anyway back to eden or elkhorn for that matter he is an outlaw at heart afterall and they never forgive. Jesus forgives at least. Though I am really not asking for forgiveness. If I had anything to apologize for I would have since that's pretty much what I've spent my life doing - apologizing for taking up space.

I remember a day about 16 years ago - very blond and very naked. The man asked me to stand in the semi-dark and turn around for him. I was mortified but of course I did what he said. I wish at that moment I could have let go of the self loathing and just embraced what he saw. But I couldn't. Three kids later and I am still this kid who hates who she is - except it's who I became. No - no one could blame me - the abuse and all - but still - it was my choice who I became. I could have become something else. I COULD have. I just followed the path of least resistance and become who I became. Above average level IQ and yet neurotic as the day is long. I wish I could get my book out - it would be really good. I will never write it - because it would be WAY too autobiographical for the common good. But it would be good - that I know.

Anyway - I am wearing my Grandma's wedding ring now and it means more to me than I ever thought it would. Strange. I remember somethings about her so vividly and other's like as in a dream. I hope she's happy now. Yelling at Grandpa in German and planting perfect rows of raspberry plants for Jesus. Meticulous. She was meticulous. She scrubbed the freaking pattern off her floor from scrubbing it so much. I really don't ever want anyone to write that about me ever. I want to care about the people in my life more than my fucking floor. Don't know if I'll succeed but that's my goal anyway. Still - she loved in her way. I want to love in the way that fits the folks who need it. I gotta get out of the fog to do it - though. Maybe gotta care less about what folks think about me and do more of what I want. Or maybe that's the problem - don't know exactly. My heart has proven far too unreliable a judge and my intellect an idiot when it comes to the truth - so who's to decide - not me that's for damn sure.

evanescence

holy feel the love batmanOkay so it's my birthday (yesterday - thanks) and like just about everyone I know and love sent me a love o gram in one way shape or form. And then today I get to see evanescence at the rave. How freakin cool is that? But on one seeming dark note - every year on my birthday I ask God what the next year holds or for a word for the coming year so to speak. And I got one word. Pain. Now normally that would strike fear in to the hearts of well - me. But Jabez means pain and God blessed him up one side and down - so I am prepared for blessing and whatever God has in store for me. I have a feeling it's going to be an exciting year - but definetely not an easy one. I guess you have to step out and accept what He has for you and fly standby if that's what gets you to your destination without too much bitchin. I have learned in the 37 spins on this bad boy around the sun that I need to enjoy the ride WAAAAAAYYYYY more than I do and worry about the trivial WAYYYYYY less. Life is short and the ones you love leave you too early and though you may get to see them again (okay so sue me I believe in heaven for the Jesus freaks) it's still a ride you don't get to do over. I'm sorry I don't believe in karma - I really wish I did - but Pride does go before a fall and since they ususally tie in I guess it does makes sense on some twisted level - but anyway - this is it for me and though we are all eternal beings it's truly a choice what type of eternity we get. That totally blows my mind. It's up to us. And not only is the eternity up to us - this ride is up to us mostly as well! If something shitty happens - it's up to us how we deal. If something awesome happens - ditto. It really is all up to us - which is the big reason this country SUCKS! I am sorry darwinists - we are not getting better - we suck big time! And it's only getting worse. I pick heaven - but in the mean time - we should take care of our house! Get that?

It's all in the books

okaySo apparently what I do is love the reading of the knitting books rather than the actual knitting. Since I have like a million books and have "plans" to knit at least 5 projects per book - it's all in the books. I start things and then when they aren't exactly what I want I tire of them and either leave the ufo's or start over. Story of my life? Perhaps. Knitting is life after all. They have been doing it forever - Christ's seamless garment was perhaps knit in the round - oh well = linen anyone? well anyway death is all around us right now and since these things seem to come in three's waiten for the next one - I hope it's someone old and not too close. Well any way - it's just a few short days to Friday the 13th and 37! And while I don't expect you all to do ANYTHING it's still a big day to your's truly and since I'm the kind of chick to like wear a sign and kiss everyone in sight (men and women - I don't discriminate) because damn it it's my birthday - for that one day I should get to freakin sky write what I feel !!!!! Anyway - have an awesome day ya'll I gotta work tomorrow and then work again and again and again etc - but that's okay - work is okay it pays what I need to pay! Katie

ice cream

birthday girlOkay - so my birthday is officially a week away - so I peeked at the ice cream flavor in anticipation of what Kopps would have for the infamous Friday the 13th and let me tell you I was a little let down - I mean carmel cashew is a safe pick but COME ON - BANANA WALNUT CHOCOLATE CHUNK!!!!!!! did they do that just so that I would make the face that I do when I say that? I HATE that crap! On my birthday no less - rudeness! But carmel cashew is acceptable I guess - I guess it's rum raisin Hagen das all the way man!

workin girl

baconOkay - so this bringing home the bacon stuff - wow - I's a workin girl again. It's wild. Though I have to honestly say - I'd rather work with guys since women are so damn catty as a general rule - it'll be interesting to see how things develope. And though it's only like parttime now - I still have all of the other stuff to do AND do the mommy thing too. Don't cry too too much for me though - It'll work out just okay I am pretty sure once training is over and I can pick my own schedule (right on!)

Going to the Jelly Belly factory tomorrow - that's right - me, kids and all of the jelly beans you can eat! What's not to love!

Grandma

Ode to EdelineSo my grandma died Sunday night. I knew it was coming - the timex just couldn't keep it going any longer. I had the choice to pack up everyone and head north to watch her die - or spend time with someone I have been wanting to talk to for a long time. I picked life. I had a bit of a moment of "you suck" but really I don't think I would have wanted to watch someone who's been just a shell for 16 years die. She wasn't "my grandma" for so long that even remembering her in the nursing home bugs me. This was someone who was in motion from the minute her feet hit the hushpuppies. Her life was her family and her garden and for the last 16 years she really had neither. She did not teach me how to knit or anything like that - in fact I don't specifically remember any words she spoke to me. But I remember her hands. Her hands pulling weeds. Her hands making food for us. Her hands scrubbing her floor until the pattern was worn off. It's her hands I remember. She gave from them. Words can only do so much - it's the hands that make it happen. Goodbye Grandma.