Life after God

Douglas CouplandSo it all started with this little book I bought the man last Christmas. (don't start me on Christmas and the man - it ain't pretty) but anyway - I bought Rough Guides to Cult Fiction thinking it would actually be something that 1) I didn't make him and b) That would be cool and get used (yep on purpose). So anyway - absolute freakin best "john book" ever. Read Life after God. AWESOME! I am lonlier than ever inside my cave here but that's to be expected at least the place is clean. Tidy bowl clean. Do I get to create the next husband like I picked this one? Don't think so. I think you make your choices when you least expect them and then "too bad - so sad" you're set. I would pick very different. Not necessarily a different person just a different me. I would be much stronger - much more who I want to see in the mirror - maybe even the me he sees that I would really like to see but can't really quite make out. And now things are so broken - so sad really if it weren't for the peanuts - man I don't think I'd even think it could happen. Still I am so fucking lonely. Nobody gets me. And the one person who got me doesn't like me. Or if they get me they want to change me. The man is so sad,jaded and disenfanchised that I don't know if there's anyway out of the cigarette-pain cloud he's got around him. If he would just write that damn book I know things would get better/worse. I don't want that pathetic sad marriage his parents have or that my parents have for that matter. But I am beginning to think that's all anyone has. I really thought we were different. Until I lost myself. And lost him too for that matter. I really don't think there's anyway back to eden or elkhorn for that matter he is an outlaw at heart afterall and they never forgive. Jesus forgives at least. Though I am really not asking for forgiveness. If I had anything to apologize for I would have since that's pretty much what I've spent my life doing - apologizing for taking up space.

I remember a day about 16 years ago - very blond and very naked. The man asked me to stand in the semi-dark and turn around for him. I was mortified but of course I did what he said. I wish at that moment I could have let go of the self loathing and just embraced what he saw. But I couldn't. Three kids later and I am still this kid who hates who she is - except it's who I became. No - no one could blame me - the abuse and all - but still - it was my choice who I became. I could have become something else. I COULD have. I just followed the path of least resistance and become who I became. Above average level IQ and yet neurotic as the day is long. I wish I could get my book out - it would be really good. I will never write it - because it would be WAY too autobiographical for the common good. But it would be good - that I know.

Anyway - I am wearing my Grandma's wedding ring now and it means more to me than I ever thought it would. Strange. I remember somethings about her so vividly and other's like as in a dream. I hope she's happy now. Yelling at Grandpa in German and planting perfect rows of raspberry plants for Jesus. Meticulous. She was meticulous. She scrubbed the freaking pattern off her floor from scrubbing it so much. I really don't ever want anyone to write that about me ever. I want to care about the people in my life more than my fucking floor. Don't know if I'll succeed but that's my goal anyway. Still - she loved in her way. I want to love in the way that fits the folks who need it. I gotta get out of the fog to do it - though. Maybe gotta care less about what folks think about me and do more of what I want. Or maybe that's the problem - don't know exactly. My heart has proven far too unreliable a judge and my intellect an idiot when it comes to the truth - so who's to decide - not me that's for damn sure.